Accepting Infertility

Being a girl, from the time I started playing dolls and house, I always dreamnt of being a Mommie one day. I would imagine what my husband would look like and how we would get married, have children and be this perfect little family! Well, growing up I sooned realized that things didn't happen so easy for everyone. At 29 years of age, I was faced with a very difficult situation that I would soon have to learn to accept. "Infertility!" I never payed any attention to this or ever thought it could happen to me. Ever since High School, I have dealt with very, very painful menstral cycles to the point that I couldn't get out of bed. For years, I was ignored and pushed away by Dr's. They never took me seriously that I was in the amount of pain that I was in. They sent me home with birth control pills to help with the pain and said take these and you'll be fine. Ok, whatever. So for 15 years I just dealt with it. As I got older new things kept coming up that kept me going to my OBGYN about once a month. After many, many years of not being taken seriously, it took ending up in the ER March of 08 for the Dr's to finally see that something was definitely wrong. I had a cyst that had burst and they decided to do an MRI to see what was going on. First time ever that they proceeded further than just birth control pills. I had Kaiser Permanente for health insurance and they just never wanted to do anything about my concerns. Well, finally something showed up on the MRI scan...Endometriosis!!!! Finally some answers to the pain I had been dealing with for so long. Endometriosis is where the linin of your uterus comes out into your system causing severe pain and it attacks your organs along with large blood filled cysts. I saw my OBGYN and she said that I definitely needed surgery to remove the large 5mm cyst I had and to remove all the endometriosis. This is when I felt it was time that I change Health Insurance plans. I went from Kaiser to a PPO. I found a really great OBYGN she gave me the second opionion I needed, and she said surgery is a must. Two months later I had laparoscopic surgery to lazer off all the endo and to remove the blood filled cysts. These cysts took over my left ovary...some were so far hidden behind the ovary, she couldn't believe what she was seeing. It also had attached itself to my bladder. She got out what she could best with the lap and I was told that I would most likely be pain free for a few years but to accept this was a long-term care condition. I was told that endo can cause infertility. I didn't realize the extent of infertility it could cause. I was pain free for about a month and a half until I started to get those same sharp stabbing pains again. I went back to my OBGYN, had another sonogram, and it showed that the cysts had returned and that they were too big to just leave. I then had to prepare myself for major surgery in Jan of 09! I couldn't believe what I was hearing...I was going to be cut open with the hopes she could save all my reproductive organs. I knew that there was a 95%chance that I would loose my left ovary. This was very hard to accept. I had surgery on Jan 9, 09 and she wasn't able to save my left ovary. My fallopian tube was wrapped in a knot around my ovary and the endo had taken over again and had already progressed over to my right ovary! Talk about a gut wrenching feeling.

I knew that this was serious and that I had to face the outcome of what I was left with. Having one ovary and the endo for so long, my chances of getting pregnant were not very good. Yes you can get pregnant with one ovary. But, having only one ovary can cause low ovarian reserve which means poor egg quality. Having poor quality eggs makes it harder to get a fertilized egg. After many, many appointments with a specialist, my husband and I were told that our chances of conceiving naturally were very slim. This was something that I never thought it a million years I would ever have to go through. I was devasted! I have always wanted a family and always assumed it would just happen so easy. Now that I am left with one ovary we have some obsticles to get through. The hormone FSH - Follicle Stimulating Hormone that makes your body produce eggs is high. It's suppose to be below 10 and mine is 13. My Dr isn't sure if it's because my ovary is compenstating for my right ovary being gone, or if it's truly because I have low ovarian reserve. This doesn't usually happen to woman until 35yrs of age. We want a family more than anything and this is an obsticle that is going to be very challenging to get through. We have accepted the fact that getting pregnant will not come easy for us. I know that God will provide for us the desires of our hearts which is to have a family now. We have made a decision and it's a hard one. We know that we are in God's hands and he will get us through this. Some things just don't come easy for me, and fertility is not one of them and I have had to learn through many painful nights of crying, that I have to truly embrace this and move forward. The hardest part so far has been hearing those around me that they are pregnant. It's so hard to hear this that it was so easy for them, that it happened on their first try, UGH, just makes me want to throw up and just cry. Friends who are having troubled marriages getting pregnant weeks after going off the pill, those who are not married getting pregnant...these things are killer for me. I'm to the point now where I am numb to it all. I have really try hard to be happy for them. When I see their bellies growing and the ultrasound pictures, the bedding they bought, I just die inside and I go home sobbing, "why me, why me!"

I know that I have to be happy for my friends and family! But, I wish for one day they could be in my shoes and experience the pain and anger I feel! Not everyone understands how hard this is to those who are facing infertility. Comments are made that are very hurtful and you just feeling like crawling into a whole and never coming out.

I have an amazing husband who supports, accepts and understands what we are faced with! I know that God will fullfill our desire to have a family. We have to trust in Him and give all this pain, misery, hurt, and anger up to Him. Let Him carry this heavy burden on his shoulders...this is why he died for our sins! Without my faith, I dont' know how I could get through this. One day I will be able to say to everyone, I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!"

If anything, we ask for your prayers and your love and support! Whatever we do to "make" a baby, it will be a miracle baby that will be loved more than it will ever be able to understand!

"Father in heaven, I receive your truth today. I receive Your promises today. I ask that You ignite my heart with Your holy fire so that I can pursue Your perfect plan for our life. Make my thoughts and words agreeable to Your will. In Jesus' Name. Amen."