Grandpa Ulrich

I always loved being around my Grandpa (my father's father)! He always knew how to bring a smile to my face! He showered me with kisses and more kisses and hugs for days. I loved it! I have many great memories of the moments we spent together and I will cherish them forever. The memories I have of him now, aren't happy memories. My grandpa has Alzeheimers. He was diagnosed about 6 years ago. Over the years he has gotten progressively worse. He started out with forgetting the little things to forgetting who he was or who any of us were. It saddens me to think that my grandpa is really "here" with us. He was happy in his home with my grandpa until she decided to put him in a home. At the time he was put into the Nursing facility he was still able to take care of himself needing little reminders here and there like brush your teeth, take this pill and so forth. I felt very strongly that he was no where near needing to be in a nursing home. My great grandma passed away in a nursing home and I was surrounded by weak, frail, lost patients. You never saw a man walking around as though he had "his shit together" but lacked some of his memory. I understand that I wasn't there everyday taking care of him so I don't know how my grandma really felt except for the things she told me about him that frustrated her. But they were so petty...things you cope with because you LOVE your HUSBAND! I would be by my husbands side the entire time feeling thankul we can share these moments together regardless of how much memory he had. It's just so frustrating to me to see how the situation has been handled. I support her in her decision, but it doesn't mean I agreed with it at the time. Now is a different story.

I hate seeing him in a Nursing home and it's been a struggle for our family. From the moment I walk in the door of the nursing home I'm a mess. When I first see him and hug him, I immediately start to cry and most of the time have to leave the room. I dread going to see him and this makes me feel so guilty. My guilt about this is so strong and I wish I could just drive down to Front Royal and see him like everything is just fine. But it's not. I haven't seen him since I think March and I feel awful! I try not to think about it, but when I start to think about him and how much he has left here on earth, I start thinking about what if he dies before I get to say goodbye to him? There are not excuses as to why we can't go visit him. The drive is not an excuse, being tired, being too busy, or whatever excuse you can manage to come up with, this is your father, our grandpa and we need to be by his side showing him love and compassion. Even though he doesn't know who we are, at least we can experience the last few years with him knowing that we were there for him.

I know now that he is to the point that he needs full time care and my grandma is not capable of providing this type of care. Seeing him now is very emotional and painful. He has to walk with a walker full time, looks unkept - he does not look like the grandpa I knew growing up and his memory loss has greatly progressed. He has no idea who I am. He thinks I'm a boy. It may seem funny at the time, but it makes me sad he doesn't "know me" now. My grandpa is known as "the boss lady" which I find very interesting. She always bossed him around telling him what to do (in a good way) and now he associates the memory of being bossed around to Betty (my grandpa). He fake crys all the time and it's hilarious!!! This makes me smile!:) We are able to sit and talk with him for a few minutes and then he usually says he's tired and he wants to lay down. So we take him back into his room, help him use the restroom, give him some grooming touch ups and help him lay back down. We then touch him, hold his hand, kiss his face telling him how much we love him! He always responds to this with a kiss and a hug and won't let go of your hand! These are moments that are so special to me and I will hold very close to my heart forever. We then say goodbye and we walk out and I begin to cry again. I can't help but think is this the last time I will see him? Are they treating him ok? Is he sad or hurting cause we aren't there? You name it, I start worrying about it.

I know he is where he is suppose to be. It's just hard to deal with when your granpda was such a huge part of your life to seeing him as like another person who is out in la-la land. I know he is loved dearly and missed even though he is still alive. We miss "Grandpa Ulrich"! I don't know how much time he has left, but I do know that he is alive and still our granpda/dad. We need to cherish these last moments with him so our memories of him are good without feeling the guilt of not seeing him!

I hope that I can get passed this guilt and just make the effort to drive the hour to see him. There is NO EXCUSE to not see him!

I miss him, and I love him even more!

I love you always and forever Grandpa Ulrich!:)